CK's Joke Of The Day

[CandyKANE]

The telephone lineman had been out drinking the night before, and the next day he went to work not feeling too good. He climbed to the top of the first pole and as he took his pliers out to repair the wire he dropped them. He had to climb all the way down to retrieve them.

As he got to the bottom of the pole and was picking up his pliers, Little Johnny, who was standing there said, "My daddy is a lineman too and he would have had two pair of pliers, so he wouldn't have to climb down the pole if he dropped one of them."

The lineman tried to ignore Little Johnny and climbed back up the pole very slowly. About his time he needed a hammer to drive in a large nail. As he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the ground. Again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it.

So he slowly climbed down the pole and sure enough Little Johnny was still standing there. He said, "My daddy is a lineman too and he would have carried two hammers so if he had lost one he wouldn't have to climb down."

This irritated the lineman, but he ignored Little Johnny and climbed back up the pole to finish his work. He was no sooner up the pole than he had to go to the bathroom, so down he climbed from the pole and went over to the bushes to take a leak.

As he was relieving himself he saw Little Johnny watching him through the bushes. He'd had it with this kid so he said to him, "I'll bet your dad doesn't have two of these, does he?"

Little Johnny replied, "No, but his would make two of yours."

[CandyKANE]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

[Blaze]

[Shadow]

lol!

[Cyanide]

lol

[CandyKANE]

A baby was born who was so advanced he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked.

"Yes, I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

"Yes, I am," said the mother. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"

"Yes, I am," his father answered. The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts don't it!"

[CandyKANE]

While purchasing some condoms, Little Johnny remarked with a smile, "I'm giving my girl a birthday present tonight."

"Yes, sir," smiled the drug clerk. Then he added, forcing a straight face, "would you perhaps like these gift-wrapped?"

"That wouldn't make much sense," said Little Johnny. "They ARE the gift wrapping."

[CandyKANE]

Little Johnny was going to a public school and he was doing very badly in maths so his mother decided to put he into a Catholic school.

When she got his report card at the end of the term, his marks in maths had improved tremendously, so she asked him why.

He replied "When I saw that naked guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business"!!

[MGBweird]

[CandyKANE]

A British doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a brain out of one man, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That's nothing, we can take a brain out of one person, put it in another and have him preparing for war in four weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work, and the other half preparing for war."

[CandyKANE]

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.

He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.

Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.

He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said , "If you fix our car we will do anything you want."

The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."

After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?"

[CandyKANE]

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

[HardRock14]

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

[CandyKANE]

It's 3am, and a man is driving his brand new BMW M3 down the N1 at 240km/h. He's two minutes away from home when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof with flames all around.

There' s no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, and so he stops his car. Sure enough, there's a beautiful woman in the car, but she's bleeding to death.

The guy reckons " screw it" and rushes to fetch a blanket from the car. He wraps the woman in the blanket and puts her on the back seat of his M3. He then rushes her to the hospital.

For six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and every night. He donates his blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married.

Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. His love of money is obvious, and she feels like a trophy wife. She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, and reaches into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar.

Sure enough, he stops her before she reaches the door and asks, "What are you doing?"

"I'm leaving you," she says.

"Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere."

"Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him.

"And those bulging suitcases? The clothes you're wearing? Everything, I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking them anywhere"

"Fine," she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down completely and throws her clothes at him too.

"And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere."

She looks at him, whips out her tampon and, throwing it at him says, "I'll pay you back in monthly installments, here's the first."

[CandyKANE]

Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They came upon a castle. Dying of thirst, they decided to go into the castle.

Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay (obviously, what man wouldn't). For a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with all of the beautiful women.

After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle, he found the three men with his women. Upset, the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be severely punished according to their occupation.

The king goes up the first man and demands to know his occupation. The first man replies, "Fireman." The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis."

Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said, "I...I...I...I'm a police officer." The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis."

Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman."