Joke Of The Day

[CandyKANE]

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life -- until the boat sank.

He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "O, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

"WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines' strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean---", he swallows excitedly,

"I can check my e-mail from here..?"

[The~Next~Big~Thing]

:laugh::lol::laugh::lol::laugh::lol:

7/10 for that one.

[CandyKANE]

Three college students were in England and were told they had to go to a great old pub called "The Cock Inn". They went off in three different directions and planned to meet back at 3:00.

Two of the guys arrived back on time but there was no sign of Harris. At 4:00 he came back with the clothes ripped off him and blood pouring from his head.

The guys asked what had happened, Harris replied, "I was walking down the road and I saw a man and woman behind a bush and I asked them, 'How far is The Cock Inn?'"

[-STITAN-]

:lol::lol::lol:

Remind me never to ask that to a couple! I give that 9/10!

[CandyKANE]

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him, "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."

[CandyKANE]

Bob was having extreme headaches for 3 months. He went to the doctor for help. The doctor told him his balls were putting pressure on his spine and that was whats causing the headaches. The doctor also said his balls would have to be removed.

After the surgery Bob was walking home and was feeling depressed. He decided to get some new clothes to make him feel better. The tailor guessed all of his measurements correctly.

"Thats amazing!" Bob said. The tailor replied, "now for your underwear.....I would say about a 36".

Bob chuckled to himself. "Nope 34" he said.
"Thats impossible", the tailor replied, "that would cause you balls to put pressure on your spine and cause one hell of a headache!"

[CandyKANE]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, 'Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time. It should cause the ship to turn over and sink.'

They tried it, and sure enough the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, 'Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.'

At this point he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

'Look,' she said. 'I went along with the blowjob, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.'

[CandyKANE]

101 Things NOT to Say During Sex:

But everybody looks funny naked!

You woke me up for that?

Did I mention the video camera?

Do you smell something burning?

What tampon?

Try breathing through your nose.

A little rug burn never hurt anyone.

Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

But whipped cream gives me the shits.

Can you make some noises, so that hottie next door thinks I'm good?

Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

Can you please pass me the remote control?

Do you accept Visa?

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Ew - on second thought, let's turn off the lights.

And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend!

So much for mouth-to-mouth.

Try not to leave any stains, okay?

Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

Do you get any premium movie channels?

Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

(Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

Got any penicillin?

But I just brushed my teeth...

Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

I want a baby!

So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

I think you have it on backwards.

When is this supposed to feel good?

Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

You're good enough to do this for a living!

Is that blood on the headboard?

Did I remember to take my pill?

Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

I wish you'd let me put this bag on your head...

That leak better be from the waterbed!

I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

So, how's your mother?

Did I tell you that I found this mattress on the side of the highway?

If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

No, really... I do this part better myself!

It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

This would be more fun with a few more grandparents.

You're almost as good as my ex!

Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

You look younger than you feel.

Perhaps you're just out of practice.

You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

Now I know why he/she dumped you...

Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

I hope my stomach doesn't look too puffy - I haven't shat in weeks.

Have you ever considered liposuction?

And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

What are you planning to make for breakfast?

I have a sickening confession...

I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

Are those real or am I just behind the times?

Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

Is that a hanging sculpture?

You'll still vote for me, won't you?

Did I mention my transsexual operation?

I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

Did you come yet, dear? Did I?

I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

Does this count as a date?

Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

Hic! I need another beer for this please.

I think purple nurples are romantic - don't you?

You can cook, too right?

When would you like to meet my parents?

Have you ever tried it in the nose?

Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

Sorry about the nametags, They're to avoid any embarrassment later.

Don't mind me… I always file my nails in bed.

(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

Sorry but I don't do toes!

You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''.

So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

Is this a sin too?

I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

Long kisses clog my sinuses...

Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?

You mean you're NOT my blind date?

[CandyKANE]

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied," Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."

[CandyKANE]

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said, "So, where y'all from?"

The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"